By: Jordan Sarver-Bontrager

Media Writer

I’m not crazy. This is happening. I went to the administration building and saw nine-foot-tall goblins inhabiting the offices. These goblins are working for Schnorlock, the Goblin King, who recently took control of Indiana University.

The Gnomes of IU South Bend have been leaving en masse because Schnorlock killed the Gnome King 10,000 years ago. Schnorlock claims that he doesn’t want to cause violence, but HE IS LYING.

These goblins have been seen collaborating with the underground Regional Campus Mascot Cabal and the Babylonians. Their intent is to turn IU into an asbestos factory. DO YOU WANT MESOTHELIOMA?

When travelling through the administration building, deep tribal chanting can be heard in the offices of the advisors. It seems that they are trying to subliminally change the curriculum of every course to how to make asbestos and put asbestos everywhere in all the buildings. 

Schnorlock wants to silence dissent and send any naysayers to The Void. I’m almost certain that this article will land me in The Void, but I refuse to stay silent any longer.

THE TIME FOR JUSTICE IS NOW. We have to stop King Schnorlock by any means necessary! SAY IT WITH ME! NO SCHNORLOCK OR ASBESTOS, WE’LL FIGHT UNTIL THEY REST! OS!